Thursday, September 6, 2012

I have a confession to make...

...I'm kind of losing interest in my training. My race is in 16 days. How the hell can I be losing interest in training for it? Well, let me tell you.

I tried, and failed, to run 10 miles on Saturday last week. It was by far the worst training run I've ever had. Ever. It totally screwed with my head. I got 6 miles in before I started feeling like a failure. I tried to run a few more times, made it my four minutes, and then just crapped out.

I cried and cried and cried. Poor David. We walked 4 miles. It took f-o-r-e-v-e-r. I've received a lot of it's okay's and you can do it's since then, but I don't think that I'm convinced yet.

My plan is to do the same 10 miles again this weekend. Well, maybe not the same 10 miles. I think I need to get off my greenway and run a different route.

Sixteen days, people. How does one reinvigorate oneself to get back in the game? The race has a 4 hour cutoff. I'm not worried about making that time. I'm worried about making it in 3 hours. Some of you may think that 3 hours is slow, but that's a great time and consistent pace for me. I have a super secret goal (which I may have mentioned before) that I hope I meet, but my public goal is under 3 hours. If I can't finish running 10 miles in 2.5 hours, how in the hell am I going to get 13.1 in under 3?

I've got a friend flying down to run this race with me. She's modifying her running to match what I do. Who in their right mind does that for someone who can't even get ten miles in? Oi vey. She's very supportive. She told me that I've got 3 weeks to get my mileage in. What am I going to do if I can't finish 10 miles? There's still a 5k to finish after that. I'm literally getting more and more exasperated as I type this. This is ridiculous.

On a different note (sort of, well, not really) my Google Reader tonight had blog posts from all sorts of different people about being a runner and how great it is. And it reminded me of that post I wrote a few weeks ago where I was praising myself for being an athlete. Pssssh! I'm a fraud. I'm talking the talk, but I'm certainly not running the run (!). I'm going to finish this out because I have to. I'm so scared that I'm going to fail, and fail big time. That's what reading those blogs has done to me. I normally get really motivated from seeing what other people are doing and how they are succeeding, but not tonight. Tonight it makes me want to crawl under the bed and hide from the fact that this race is going to prove to the world that I'm a fake.

Not only is everyone going to know that I can't do what I say I'm going to do, but people are going to be incredibly disappointed in me. And that is one of the things that I hate the most in life: disappointing people who truly care about me.

Either way, if I can run the 13.1 or if I can't, there is one thing that I know for certain:

My question to you is: Why is it so damn hard?


  1. Rebecca, what you don't have during training that you DO have on race day is adrenaline, and crowds cheering you on, and that confidence of knowing ALL the miles you logged to make it to THAT day!
    As my brother-in-law reminded me when I was whining about my slow time in my 13.1, "You know what they call the last person to finish a half-marathon?"
    I'll admit that my answer was, "Me."
    To which he replied, "A half-marathoner...."

    1. Thanks, Karen. You are exactly right. I will be, regardless of walking or running, be a half-marathoner. Which is why I know it'll end in tears!

  2. I second Karen's comment about adrenaline - that will help you cross the finish line on race day, 100%.

    It took me a really, really long time not to put pressure on a training run. The goal isn't to run the whole thing perfectly. If you already could, wouldn't that be the race you're looking to finish? Training runs are all about training! So you make it 6 miles, and its okay to walk. And its okay to start running again. And its okay to stop again.

    The main point is, you are out there doing it. It doesn't matter how you do it, just get out there and go. That's more than the people who sit on the couch are accomplishing! Don't give up on yourself, because you deserve so much more than that. You've made it this far in your training, and you can make it all the way to 13.1 on race day.

    Just take your training days as what they are; a day to learn what works for you and what doesn't, what your body responds to and what it doesn't. And ALWAYS be proud that you laced up your shoes and made it out the door. I think that counts for more than anything :)

    YOU CAN DO IT! I believe in you and your friend that is flying down for the race believes in you too. Cheering for you!